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| Unintentional Controversy - struggles for being christian
Its always encouraging to talk with others that go through the same struggles/hardships as you, and yet character wise they can also be very different. After coming back from a christian conference over the weekend, I realised how everyone can somehow get along with one another as long as you find something in common thats close to heart.
One of the hardships for being christian is being able to first identify ourselves as christian. Its like drawing a bullseye on yourself and making yourself a target. It seems to feel like its controversial to even bring the topic up and it's most often a conversation killer where everything js goes silent =( As my leader puts it, you get 3 knods and then the conversation continues...
Back in high school when I used to be very open about my love for maths or enthusiasm for starwars, it all seemed cool. People may think i'm freaky but they still think i'm "normal" in some sense. Especially with maths, I would get all the smartass payouts and jokes thrown at me. I'd go along with it too cos I find it pretty hilarious anyway =) Even when I told my friends that I was going to a Buddhist camp and live for 5 days at a temple, I'd cop the same thing and get asked all these questions about what my "real" intentions were and whether I was really interested in their religion or was it "someone" else... =) My reply would also be the same - like yeh yeh whatever I've heard it all before =)
Growing up in a Catholic Church and believing in the story of Jesus has probably made religion one of my keen interests as well. Like anyone, I'd also be curious about how other religions were like and why all were so different if there is, in fact, only one truth in the end. I guess Jesus was still my belief after listening to all the other "stories". But after opening my eyes to other religions, I also developed a greater respect for those who were more devout than me in their own religions. How do they manage to be so strong in their own beliefs and how did they convince themselves day by day that what they're doing is good? Made me feel quite ashamed of my own beliefs actually =( Don't they have doubts too just like me with my own beliefs of Jesus? Guess that made me want to find out more.
A real conscience killer was when I started going to CBS at uni, a group that also believed in Jesus but would also reject my first religion of Catholicism. Getting thrown thousands of bible references and theological arguments was hardly the way to persuade/welcome me in as I'd hardly ever read the bible myself. I can also start to see why CBS may seem so controversial, dont they ever present both sides of the case equally and not just throw all their predetermined bible knowledge at me in the one go? What would happen if I introduced my priest to their bible study leader? hmmmm
Anyway, I've now been attending a protestant church for almost 2 years and after courageously being able to let go of all my previous spiritual beliefs that I acquired from my catholic church and Buddhist teachings, I can understand where all the CBS people are coming from. Although I'm still not convinced on all issues and still have doubts in others, the basics of Jesus are all still there with enough weight to support it so that I don't have to be afraid of believing in the wrong God.
Happy are those that are also like I was, courageous enough to challenge their own beliefs and open enough to accept something better. =) In the end, it's my heart that believes and it's my mind that create doubts. But I still cant find anything stronger than Jesus's love =) I still have great respect for those devout ones in other religions that are searching for the same happiness/love as me, maybe one day I might also be able to share and talk about the same struggles/hardships that they face in their own religious pursuits =)
"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." John10:11
What greater truthfulness and honesty can I ever ask for =) | | |
| Motivation
I have none. Burnt out, exhausted, alone and lost. Theres thousands of things that I'm supposed to be worried about. And yet, it doesnt feel important enough to think through it. Uni assignment and presentation is due tmr, work's just started next year's plan, room's still a mess and so many little bits and pieces thats js lying around still incomplete.
Thinking back to my maths days, everything seemed interesting and I didnt need any motivation to learn more, I just did. Shape of the universe, wave movements, transformations, graph theory etc etc. I wanted to know it all. Even that's lost now. Looking back at my old olympiad questions, felt like js another one of "those" questions.
Sunday's sermon was about Elijah who was also once burnt out. For me the message was relevant, but the encouragement didnt seem to help, I still feel unmotivated. Everyone else there seemed happy, satisfied and confident that things will turn out right. Watched EPIII a second time afterwards, even that passion doesnt seem as strong as b4.
Maybe taking a sickie and staying at home doesnt help much either. Sure I'm sick and need to recover. But all I ever do at home with mum is keep my distance and avoid any major arguments. It is true that I've always been missing one of the most important relationships in my life, but keeping things from blowing out is already a great achievement. It IS better now than before.
What can I say to myself? Move on, look ahead. I've got most important things already, what's there to still be worried about? It only takes one spark to light a whole fire. I am mentally drained!! I need fuel as well as a spark.
Dont want to look at myself anymore. Sleep, and energise myself to last another day. Pray and hope while I still can. | | |
| not made from his head to top him
not from his feet to be trampled upon
but out of his side to be equal with him
under his arm to be protected
and near his heart to be beloved
(Unknown writer)
And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman - Genesis 2:22 | | |
| What does Godel the mathematician, Escher the artist and Bach the composer have in common?
Douglas R. Hofstadter was inspired by the question:
"What is a self, and how can a self come out of inanimate matter?"
and sought to tackle this problem by writing the book - Godel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid. Little does one know that after reading this book, the book itself is related to the actual problem!! Fantastic stuff!!
In one of the author's comments about his own book:
"GEB (Godel, Escher, Bach) delves, and not just superficially, into so many motley topics - fugues and canons, logic and truth, geometry, recursion, syntactic structures, the nature of meaning, Zen Budhism, paradoxes, brain and mind, reductionism and holism, ant colonies, concepts and mental representations, tranlations, computers and their languages, DNA, proteins, the genetic code, aritficial intelligence, creativity, consciousness and free will - sometimes even art and music, of all things!!"
People of all professional backgrounds come across unexplainable things happening within their own fields. Things that can only be described in this book as "Strange Loops". Godel tried to tackle them in maths, Bach incoporated it in his music and Escher actually DREW them in his artworks. Even the great Lewis Carroll plays around with these ideas in his famous children's book - Alice in Wonderland. Below is a drawing from Escher called "Ascending or Descending" which may give you a good starting point to SEEING what "strange loops" are.
Are these people walking upstairs or downstairs??
The best thing about this book are the seemingly humorous dialogues between Achilles (a Greek warrior, the fleetest of foot of all mortals) and a Tortoise. Both are characters in Zeno's (Greek philosopher) paradox, where Zeno showed that Achilles would never be able to catch up to the tortoise if it had a head start. However, these are characters in a fictional illustration of a paradox, talking about the paradox!! | | |
| If you're currently searching for new ways to entertain yourselves OR to discover the secrets of how to write/talk complicatedly, simply explore the finest collection of intricate masterpieces that have amused the greatest young minds in the world.
http://www.kalva.demon.co.uk/
Haha and if you're ever worried about what I go through looking at these wonderful pieces of art, spare a thought for what goes on in one of the greatest minds that this world has seen
"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics.
I assure you, mine are far greater."
- Albert Einstein | | |
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